True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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