fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
