my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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