so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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