dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
