I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
