a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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