Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
