so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She told me I should be a condom model.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
