what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
either way he was missing a nipple.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
A+ Viking dick
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
