Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
