after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I understand Curling. That high.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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