how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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