with your own penis?
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
