my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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