matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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