So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Randomize
