do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
