she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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