he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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