I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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