the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
not ubering you a puppy
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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