i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
