What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
