All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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