You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
