If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
