i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
