I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize