im six kinds of drunk right now
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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