I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
