i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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