Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
