he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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