I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
