I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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