Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
