Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need water and some morals
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
