I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
