Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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