Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
When did angry sex become our thing?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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