Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
