just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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