I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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