I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
