i don't like sucking hair
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
