I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
