hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
