It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
