I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize