Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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