Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
