dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize