Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
