just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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