Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize