Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
