My cat gives me a boner
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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