lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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