seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
